The Power of Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a cornerstone of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a counseling modality developed by Marsha Linehan. It is the practice of being open to the facts of a situation without judging yourself or the situation. While the concept sounds simple, practicing it is one of the most challenging—and transformative—tools we can learn to help us regulate our emotions.
Defining Radical Acceptance
Imagine your life’s goal is to become an attorney. You’ve gone to law school for four years and dedicated yourself to studying for the Bar exam for months. When the results arrive, you find you have failed.
If you judge the situation, you might rage at the unfairness of the exam. If you judge yourself, you might think how “stupid” you were to even try. These judgments often lead to a deep depression, perhaps spending a week in your pajamas eating junk food—which only makes you feel worse. You cannot avoid the initial pain of failing, but by refusing to accept it, you add a layer of suffering that keeps you stuck. Radical acceptance is accepting what you can’t change so you can finally focus on what you can change.
Why Acceptance Helps with Depression and Anxiety
When we face a painful reality, we often meet it with resistance. This resistance takes the form of “shoulds”:
- “This shouldn’t be happening.”
- “I should have worked harder.”
- “Life should be fair.”
Resistance creates a “second layer” of suffering. If the initial event is the pain, our judgment of that event is the suffering. Radical acceptance aims to strip away that second layer, leaving only the original pain, which is much easier to manage and eventually heal.
Impact on Depression
In depression, we often ruminate on the past. Radical acceptance breaks the cycle by acknowledging the facts: “I failed the exam. That is a fact. Sitting here won’t change the score. What is my next step?” It moves the focus from “why me?” to “what now?”
Impact on Anxiety
Anxiety often stems from a refusal to accept uncertainty. When we radically accept that we cannot control every variable, the “struggle” against the future begins to quiet down. We accept that discomfort is a part of the process, which paradoxically makes the discomfort less frightening.
Distinguishing Acceptance from Approval
A major roadblock to learning this skill is the word “acceptance.” We often think it means we approve of or like the situation. We don’t. Instead, we are accepting that something we didn’t want at all has happened. We know we can’t change it, and no amount of crying, raging, or ruminating will change the facts.
| Concept | What it is NOT | What it IS |
| Acceptance | Approval or liking the situation. | Acknowledging the facts of the present moment. |
| Resignation | Giving up or becoming a victim. | Conserving energy by not fighting the unchangeable. |
| Compassion | Being “weak” or “lazy.” | Understanding that you are human and reality is complex. |
How to Practice Radical Acceptance
How do we do this difficult thing? It requires intentional practice and shifting our internal dialogue.
- Observe the Resistance: Notice when you are fighting reality. Look for “shoulds” or feelings of intense bitterness.
- Replace Judgment with Description: Rather than saying, “This is horrible,” try describing the internal fact: “I am feeling angry and anxious because of what happened.”
- Turn the Mind: This is a conscious choice to move toward acceptance. You may have to “turn your mind” back a hundred times a day when the judgment returns.
- Willing Hands: Sit with your hands open and palms up. This posture sends a signal to your brain that you are open to the moment rather than clenched in a “fight” response.
- Acknowledge the Pain: Say it out loud: “I am in a lot of pain right now. This is a very difficult situation.” Validating your feelings makes it easier to accept the facts.
The Goal: Effective Action
It is a core truth that you can’t change something until you accept it. Once you accept the reality of a situation, you stop wasting emotional energy on a past you cannot rewrite. That reclaimed energy can then be used for problem-solving to make the situation better—whether that means signing up for a new prep course, talking to a mentor, or simply taking a walk to clear your head.
If you can accept something even for just a minute, that is one less minute of suffering you will experience. Acceptance is not the end of the story; it is the prerequisite for the next chapter.
If you are having trouble accepting something difficult in your life, give us a call. I (Lisa) am a certified DBT therapist and would love to help you move toward acceptance and a happier life.
