We all wish we were better parents. We wish we didn’t “lose it” when our kids make mistakes. We wish our kids were more responsible and self-disciplined. Yet, the way we parent our kids often makes them even less responsible and self-disciplined. What can we do differently?
I recently read the book “Positive Discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills” by Jane Nelsen. I found it absolutely brilliant. I wish I had read this years ago when my first child was born.
Basic Tenets of Positive Discipline
- When children feel better, they do better. Parents often think they must make their children feel bad about themselves (shame) in order to help them not make the same mistake in the future. This is a natural response. But does it work? Think about how you react when someone tries to shame you. Do you feel encouraged to do better in the future? Or, do you A. feel resentful, B. feel apt to get into a power struggle, C. look for a way to get revenge, or D. feel so demoralized that you just give up and feel bad about yourself? This is often how our children react when we punish them.
- A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. All people (adults and kids) want to belong and feel significant. When children misbehave, it is because they are using a mistaken way of getting these basic needs met.
- Mistakes are wonderful opportunities for learning. If we can relax when kids make a mistake and help them look for solutions for the mistake they made, they will learn how to solve problems in the future. They will also feel better about themselves (see point #1).
- When kids have a say in making the rules, they are more likely to follow them. Jane Nelsen promotes having regular family meetings to resolve problems that come up in families. These family meetings are not like those you had to endure as a kid, where your parents lectured you on all the things you did wrong. In these meetings, each member of the family gets to brainstorm solutions to family problems.
At Restored Hope, we often work with parents to change the negative cycles that exist with their children. If you would like to change the dynamics in your family, give us a call.
